Go Ahead, Write that Freakin' Check

Open an envelope, get free money! How cool is that?

SNORK!

Hah!

I guess it all depends on somebody's definition of FREE. But we all get them. You know, the envelope from your credit card company that says. Hey, dude, use these checks to buy shit, and don't pay any interest --- ZERO percent.

Hah!

OK, so the first small print (right next to the big ZERO) says "during promotional period. OK, so you know and I know the odds of actually paying that sucker off before the end of the promotional period are about the same as being crowned Queen (or King) of England when you were born and raised in Cody, Wyoming.

A little mark called an ASS-TA-RISK tells you to look for even smaller fine print somewhere else on the piece of paper. Where you'll probably find out that amounts still due after the end of the promotion period will be subject to their normal interest rate of 24 percent, or is that 24,000 percent? Who knows?

Then, clear down at the bottom, way down at the bottom--where you don't see it until after you've already written out a couple of the damned checks--it says...

Checks used in this promotion have a 4% transaction fee. Hmmmmm... 4 freaking percent. Then right there next to that in small print is ($5.00 minimum, NO maximum).

So, you probably already know that a very large number of the people who actually use these checks use them for:

1) paying off other credit card balances
2) paying for a big ticket item
3) paying for their kid's freakin' college tuition

Speaking of college, let's pretend we're in a math class for a second.

OK, so you use one of those checks to by a new TV for $1,000. Bingo $40 added on-top for the transaction fee. Oh, and by the way if you don't pay that $40 off before the end of the promotion period, it's subject to 24 million percent interest, too.

What about $10,000 for your kid's tuition? Now the initial vig (excuse me, transaction fee) is $400. Sounds like a pretty decent car payment to me.

Or suppose that $10,000 is a balance transfer from ANOTHER credit card? There's ANOTHER set of small print, even smaller I think, for balance transfers. Aside from the transaction fee and all this other crap, you have to ask yourself.

"If I couldn't pay off the OTHER credit card, what the HELL makes me think I'm going to pay this one off before the end of the promotional period???"

So, you've got a $400 transaction fee, another unspecified amount (that I guess can change on the whims of the credit card company) in balance transfer fees and adjustments, then you have the freaking NORMAL interest rate (think the altitude of John Glenn's first orbital flight) that kicks in on the unpaid balance.

Hell of a deal? My ass-ta-risk!

Asterisk A. Ant, Esq.
.